Partly because pastors need to eat as well as feed and partly because I was sick of listening to the Jim Engster Show (which often is on NPR when I drive) I made an effort to find and download sermons which I would listen to in my car.
I chose Paul Zahl now rector or All Saints Episcopal(?!?) Church in Chevy Chase, Maryland and before that dean of Trinity Episcopal(?!?) School for Ministry near Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Zahl enjoys science fiction and old movies and rock music. I think (more on this in a moment) I like his theology which centers largely around the idea of grace. He often critiques the Christian church for (according to him) becoming largely centered around law and judgment.
He has a short series of sermons/talks on parenting by grace. Rather than by law and judgment. Law and judgment are “do this or else” and “you disobeyed me what is your problem I am going to let you have it!” Zahl makes much of the Pauline argument that (1) human beings are naturally sinful/messed-up and (2) while law judges sin it does not improve behavior or increase love in fact it does the opposite – it sparks rebellion disobedience and anger. He gives a few examples of what parenting by grace might look like (such as when a son wants to move to live with a girlfriend the parents do not approve of, or when the teenage daughter in a devout evangelical family chews out her mother with vile language at the dinner table).
But still – while it is a great idea how exactly does one parent by grace? List the examples and the situations. Then tell me what exactly you say or do when your child (especially a teenager) speaks and behaves in certain ways?
For about the last two weeks I have been sharing this with my wife and trying it out even if imperfectly. Feeling my way clumsily through a principle that is long on power but short on specifics.
One daughter “cops an attitude” all day and is blatantly disrespectful to her parents at the dinner table. “Go to your room”. No – I won’t.
(Wow. It is one thing when a child does something wrong. It is quite another when they will not even accept discipline for what they do wrong.)
We tried something along the lines of “your mother has spent a lot of time with you today, bought you some things, and that is why it is difficult when you treat her this way” and “we would like you to spend some time in your room so you can have some peace and quiet”. And although we threatened to make her stay in there all evening and not attend a major school function later that week… after about an hour we said “we would like to enjoy spending the rest of the evening with you” and “if you still want to go to this event you can find some ways to show that”.
Rather than you are a disrespectful disobedient and ungrateful wretch and your punishment is… blah blah blah.
I thought that was roughly what “parenting by grace” might look like in this situation.
Last night our two children were fighting/arguing. Over something to do with the computer (often that or something to do with television). “We would like you to go to your rooms so that you can have a peaceful and quiet evening” and even “yeah that is frustrating that she got twice as many points on that website than you”.
They go to their rooms and start getting ready for bed.
I head back there to check on them and sure enough one child is in the other’s bedroom looking for and demanding something (a frequent problem and source of contention). I get that child into her room and try the “grace” approach. “Yes that is frustrating” and “How about you get ready for bed so that you can get enough rest for tomorrow?”
But she would not shut up. Kept beating the issue. She has and I don’t and she has and I don’t and that’s not fair and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah…. interrupting me and not stopping and not responding positively to my several minutes of trying to be non-law and non-judgment with her.
And that is when I lost it. Big time. Did and said things no father (let alone a Christian or a pastor) should say and do.
I don’t know.
Either Zahl is brilliantly correct or stupefyingly wrong about all this. And frankly I cannot figure out what grace-ful parenting specifically looks like in these situations. “Don’t judge. Don’t throw the law at them. Forgive. Love. And always pray for them”. Sounds great in theory but exactly what does one do and say in various situations?
Frankly I am ready to give up on the whole enterprise. But law/judgment does not seem to work much better – all that seems to get is more disrespect back-talking and disobedience and certainly more contention in the home.
Is grace-ful parenting truly possible?
