Van Gogh, "Raising Lazarus"
*Warning. This is a bit personal.*
Not many people are aware that I spent the last year or so in a “hole”.
Did my work but not much else. Almost never practiced spiritual disciplines. Avoided socializing. Did not interact much with my wife or family or friends. Spent most of my free time on the computer until wee hours of the morning. And yes there is a word for it that begins with a d-. Or another expression that begins with a b-.
How did that happen? Does it matter?
It does a bit but do not want to go into too much detail. I think part of it is exhaustion – mental emotional and spiritual exhaustion. I have been doing this for more than ten years. Six day weeks pretty routine. I am allowed ten days off per year and have never taken more than eight. Each year we make dozens of new friends – and each year we say farewell to dozens of friends. That is the nature of ministry with internationals (students and scholars and their families) who are here for a few weeks a few months at most a few years. Lurch from Sunday to Sunday grinding out English lessons and Bible studies and orders of worship and sermons week after week after week.
Part of it is disillusionment – goals and dreams that have collapsed along the way. Stay in school until age 32 getting graduate degrees and a seminary degree. Apply for dozens upon dozens of teaching positions – with just a handful of nibbles. Apply for dozens of other ministry positions – with just a handful… Publish a book that receives a devastating review. Spend a couple years trying to join another denomination only to be shut out at the last minute. Become increasingly fed up with the “moderate” Baptist scene. No longer really know where I belong religiously. You get to a point where you think “what the heck have I done with my life? what the heck am I doing with my life?” and frankly lose nearly all hope and desire.
Began to identify strongly with Jeremiah. “Thanks a lot God. Could you have picked someone else?”
And part of it is anxiety – over what appears to be the social cultural and political direction of the United States not to mention the world. Progress? Rather the normalization of insanity.
Started experiencing occasional panic attacks – the real deal where you call 911 – about three years ago. Now when the chest pains and short breath start to kick in know better. That was when I began to cut back on how much “extra” I worked.
Could not tell you precisely what triggered it – but started to crawl out of the hole about 2 weeks ago. The timing is curious – just before the current crisis facing this congregation hit with the abrupt resignation of the senior pastor.
Quit the leadership role in the online community that took so much of my time. (Took a couple weeks off and did go back as a regular member – but now no more than six hours per week.) Started studying/reviewing biblical languages and theology in the evening. Hanging out with wife and kids. Morning and evening prayer – not as diligently as a few years ago but a new start. Perhaps most importantly trying to get enough sleep.
Went back to my counselor for the first time in months this week. Which was encouraging – one of the few times instead of “your way of looking at things and dealing with them is messed up” got a lot of “you have faced your own woundedness and understand things much better”.
Called and talked with my best friend for first time in months.
Still concerned – because we have reached a point where I do not want to leave this current place of service (or least leave the state of Louisiana) until we get our daughters into college. That means toughing it out for another five years or so. But the congregation I service is way behind on budget. So we need to cut spending. And now that the senior pastor has resigned – and not under positive circumstances – the coming year clearly is going to be rough. Over the last year about three families we are close to have left University Baptist Church in frustration and disgust. And it is probably going to get worse.
So once again but with more urgency have been confronting the question “what else would I do if I had to leave?” There were a few times over the last ten years when I was working on an answer. Over the next few years may reach a point where having an answer will no longer be optional. I may be on the street. And although Church of the Nations has generally done well and avoided the problems with plague the mother congregation – attendance and participation has not been that great so far this new academic year. Numbers are not the only or primary measure of success in Christian ministry but still I am concerned.
Starting to work on a plan. Part of that plan is a two(?) month sabbatical next year. A few years late but finally around the corner.
Hope is beginning to return.
Theologically this is not about Rick crawling out of the hole in which I buried myself for the last year or two. This is about God lifting me out when I could not get out on my own. This is about grace. What God gives that we do not deserve or earn. And what God does for us that we cannot do for ourselves.
